11 April 2008

last year, on this date, i wrote something about my beloved papa. i would like to dedicate this entry (cewah boleh plak dedicate blog.. nda penah urang buat huhu~ ), to a dear friend of mine who also lost her dad about a month ago.

well, kalo ada dedication, mesti ada ucapan kan kunuk.. dgn ucapan..

don't be afraid to move on. some people will think, if u dun think of the person u lost, u will forget them. but u will not. not ever. they were the person u loved most. ur family. it's in your blood. u will never forget them. just because ppl see u laughing all the time, or be happy, u have the right to do that. and when u think u're losing them, thinking that u will never see them again, sometimes they will come to u. mostly in your dreams. and they will talk to u, like they never gone. and u will wake up, with tears in your eyes. but it's ok. just remember, they will always be there. with u.

and yeah, me too. if u need someone to talk too :)

so here goes. last year entry huhu~

8 years ago, on diz vey date, i lost my papa forever..
ok diz gonna be my emotional entry ever..

(background music - 'izinku pergi' by kaer)
papa passed away 11 april 1999, masa aku form 5. papa suda lama sakit, dia setat sakit masa aku darjah 6 (1994), tapi masa 1995 dia ok. sempat lagi naik haji. tapi masa 1996 papa sakit balik, and terlantar dari bulan Jun sampai dia meninggal 3 tahun kemudian.
papa sakit apa ah, something in his brain. bukan tumor, ada something. actually berkait dengan tulang belakang something like that la.
aku ingat lagi hari tu, aku di labuan. aku kan study di labuan sama niza. tiba-tiba mummy datang sama adik, and i remember mummy mentioned papa cam sakit teruk, and expect for the worst camtuh la. and tengah hari, nenek called and cakap papa suda tiada. bayangkan kami semua di labuan, and terus balik sama2 la. masa sampai rumah, pacik macik semua suda ada. and kena kubur bisuknya.
i never talked about my father. entah la kenapa. orang ingat aku nda sedih, but i do. it's just dat, aku nda mau orang tengok aku sedih. aku ingat lagi masa papa meninggal aku nda nangis pon. aku suma nangis masa aku masuk bilik aku, masa aku sorang2. actually masa tu the idea that i will never see my father again never cross my mind. and i felt aku nda boleh nangis. aku nda boleh nangis depan niza and adik sebab dorang adik2 aku. i mean kalo aku nangis, mesti dorang lagi sedih kan. they look up to me kan, i can't break down in front of them. and i can't cry in front of my mom, coz i'm the eldest. macam the closest adult la to my mum, so i can't cry. so all this time i think, mummy boleh nangis, and my adiks boleh nangis. and aku nda boleh. can u imagine the burden i carry all diz time. so makanya aku suma nangis sorang2 sebelum tidur, and kekadang depan kawan2 aku. tapi durang nda tau aku nangis sebab ingat papa. i always say sebab lain. aku ingat lagi masi awal2 sem aku di utm, aku selalu nangis dalam tandas. boleh pulak banyak2 tempat aku nangis dalam tandas.
kadang2 aku protective jugak sama adik2 aku. contohnya kalo ada promosi father's day di tv ka, radio ka aku mesti tukar channel. masa skali tu ada topik pasal bapa di era, aku terus tukar channel lain sebab nda mau dorang sedih. but the truth is, aku yang sedih sebenarnya. all diz time aku ingat aku protect adik2 aku, turns out i'm covering my own feelings.
aku lucky tau sebenarnya. sebab antara semua aku yang paling lama dengan papa, sebab aku anak first kan. papa yang hantar aku masuk skola di labuan, and adik2 aku semua dengan mummy. tapi aku sedih sebab aku macam nda banyak kenangan sama papa. tapi ada satu, masa tu adik masih kecik. masa tu famous burger 'samurai burger' dari mcd rasanya. aku tarik2 mata adik kasi sepet, sambil ckp 'samurai burger'. and he laughed, so much! aku paling ingat masa tu, sebab papa ketawa sampai nangis2. kalo nda silap masa tu papa cam baru lepas dari hospital kali. papa pon kasi sepet2 mata adik, and we laughed again.
God i miss him so much.
aku sebenarnya banyak dosa dengan papa. i took him for granted. masa papa terlantar, aku cam malas jak mo jaga dia. kalo kena suruh kasi makan ka, kasi mandi ka, aku selalu mo lari2. and aku menyesal gila sampai sekarang. actually ada satu benda aku regret sampai sekarang. aku kan skola labuan, so masa nie mo balik suda. masa dalam kereta suda, mummy tanya 'suda cium papa ka?'. sebab aku mo balik kan. and aku cakap jak 'suda', tapi belum sebenarnya. sebab aku malas mo keluar balik. and i felt macam tiada guna jugak mo salam n cium kalo teda respon kan.
turn out it was the last time i saw him alive.
it kills me everytime i think about it.
lepas papa teda, banyak benda yang aku nda buat. aku nda makan durian. aku nda makan ketam. i dunno, maybe that things remind me of him.

papa i miss u so much.